Humour on Freedom Plaza
by Steve Cook
We are all Going To Die!!!! Probably
The government today issued a new public health alert, warning of the arrival of a pandemic even more depressing than the last one.
"Just in case any of our citizens woke up this morning feeling chirpy," said Health supremo, Joe Supremo (97), "we got together with supremos from the press and the Ministry of Panic to put together this new reason not to be. After all, this is a Democracy and nobody has a right to feel exempt from the gloom that is the birthright of every citizen."
Mr Supremo went on to say that the government takes the new threat to the life of every man woman and child (and pet) on the planet so seriously, they are no longer calling it a "pandemic" but, at the suggestion of the press supremo, Craig Bi-Polar (46?), have renamed it a "carnagedemic."
[Editor's note: insert here photo of Labrador with bleak, haunted eyes, wearing a blue face mask. Caption: "Carnagedemic. All pets could die."]
Mr Bi-Polar explained further: "An epidemic is rubbish, quite frankly. Doesn't have the pizzaz it used to have. So for a while we had pandemics, which had the virtue of sounding more threatening than an epidemic by having "pan" attached to it instead of "epi," which sounds a bit girly. A threat qualifies as a pandemic if it kills, or makes poorly, as many as five people (or pets). We needed a new nickname for a threat that will kill, or might kill, more than five people (or pets). The name needed to look good in headlines and prompt people (or pets) to reach into their pockets and cough up the loot for a newspaper out of a sense of alarm (or terror). Recently we have suffered from an epidemic of pandemics and the public is starting to get bored with the whole thing. This has led to an epidemic of public not being unduly alarmed, which caused to flare up a pandemic of slumping newspaper sales. We can now confidently state the matter is under control and look forward to a week of headlines that will really shake up the complacent tight-fisted swine."
[Editor's note: insert here photo of baby with bleak, haunted eyes wearing face mask. Caption: "Be afraid!"]
But what of the carnagedemic? Health reports indicate it may already have claimed thousands of lives and is set to claim many thousand more, although scientists point out that it depends on whether you define "claimed" as "killed" or "could have killed".
One scientist, who did not want to be named, or indeed identified at all, for legal reasons, disclosed in a taped interview left on the answermachine of the Daily Scare that the carnagedemic is, or might be, invariably fatal for anyone who dies from it and there is lots of hard rumour that it is, or might be, the cause of insanity or depression in those who contract it and that nobody is immune, or at least those who contracted it weren't.
[Ed's note: insert here picture of baby wearing full bio suit, its eyes visible though the transparency should be bleak and full of despair. Caption: "Abandon hope! Start looting!"]
The method of transmission of the disease, dubbed "Mad Hack's Virus," is uncertain, although all the evidence points to a virus. If it turns out not to be a virus, the disease will have to, obviously, be renamed, which will simply add to the confusion so everyone is keeping their fingers crossed that it really is a virus.
It is believed that MHV or "Newspaper Flu" as it is also known, is somehow transmitted by contact with tabloid newspapers. Certainly there is as yet no recorded case of any citizen (or pet) contracting the disease who does not read newspapers.
A source close to Buckingham Palace (the bloke leaning on the railings) told this reporter: "What the government isn't telling us is that virtually no-one is safe if MHV is transmitted through contact with newspapers because according to the Office of Made Up Statistics more than 97% of people read newspapers, although admittedly only 3% of these remember what they have read."
MHV has all the hallmarks of a classic attention-grabbing, panic-inducing and hence money-spinning disease, namely: it is invisible, it is "everywhwere," its symptoms can easily be confused with innocuous ailments such as the common cold or not enough caffeine, it has the word "virus" or "flu" in it.
Do you have Newspaper Flu? Probably, says the Ministry of Panic. Certainly said Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals, whose Public Relations Officer, Joe Satan (14) first alerted everyone to the presence of this new stalking carnagedemic menace in our midst shortly after Grimm Reaper Laboratories invented an antidote for it.
"MHV is certainly proving to be a popular ailment," said Mr Satan. When it was pointed out that there was no evidence that MHV had actually killed anyone, Mr Satan said, " Well that just goes to show how effective our antidote, Docile 24/7, is."
What are the symptoms of the new disease? Opinions vary but here is a list of what they could be and certainly if you have any of these, you are advised to panic or Docile on the National Health immediately:
Disorientation
Depression
Anxiety
Loss of ability to think (or spell).
Paranoia (feeling threatened by a dark, vague, lurking menace you can't see)
Tendency to blame immigrants/religion/hoodies/parents for everything
Feeling panicky.
Hysteria
Becoming sick with worry.
Depression
Anxiety
Loss of ability to think (or spell).
Paranoia (feeling threatened by a dark, vague, lurking menace you can't see)
Tendency to blame immigrants/religion/hoodies/parents for everything
Feeling panicky.
Hysteria
Becoming sick with worry.
One victim, who is, miraculously, not dead told this reporter:
"I became sick shortly after reading the Daily Scare over me breakfast cornflakes, I think it was last Tuesday's headline: "millions of air breathers die every year" that set me off. The first thing I noticed is I got the shakes and became very nervous. Then I kind of completely lost the will to live. I felt like I was doomed to die a horrible death no matter what I did. Then I became acutely aware of every little muscular twinge or fleeting discomfort in me body. By the time I'd finished me boiled egg and soldiers I was convinced I had at least twelve different viruses, all of which are named after animals. Then I called me doctor and he gave me a prescription for something that enabled me to hear colours and I've been on Venus where it's safe from the alien head termites ever since...."
Latest figures suggest that MHV may have infected as many a hundred billion people in the UK alone. The government, in the best tradition of bolting stable doors after the horse has not only bolted but emigrated to France, retired, written its memoirs, died and been forgotten, has purchased a hundred million face masks.
When it was put to the Health Supremo that the masks are in fact complelely usueless and no defence at all against Newspaper Flu, Mr Supremo explained, " That has never stopped the government buying face masks before. The purchase of face masks has long been standard practice, favoured by Ministers bullied by the press into responding to an emergency they know little or nothing about. It reassures the public that the government is acting decisively in the best traditions of headless chickens."
(Ed's note: include picture here of baby dressed in deep sea diver's suit. Caption: "Flee for your lives!")
Unfortunately, just when those public still retaining their grip on a shred of optimism naively thought things could not get any worse, they have. Scientists report that MHV may have mutated and "jumped media." A new and even more unstoppable strain of the virus has been detected.
The new outbreak, dubbed an armaggedonedemic, is know as Word Of Mouth Disease.
