A Message from your New Governor 

Part Two

A continuation of the Imperial Provincial governor’s address to the nation

As you know, a great deal of heroic mendacity and manipulation, not to mention drugging, went into re-establishing the Empire along with a great deal of human sacrifice, which I am sure the sacrificees would have been only too pleased to make, had they been given a choice.

It has been pointed out to me that, unfortunately, empires - or indeed human sacrifice - are difficult if not impossible gigs to pull off if you hang around waiting for permission because there is always the danger that you won’t get it. While the willing self sacrifice of large numbers of human beings would be convenient, one would be naïve indeed to expect it from what is, let’s face it, a rabble motivated largely by self-interest. We must reluctantly accept the fact that the contribution of the majority of human beings to the great schemes dreamed up by the brilliant minds of the Hiddum Agendum must of necessity be limited to the role of victim.

Those blessed by the gods must be left alone, after all, to execute unhindered by the anguished squeals of the riffraff and hoipolloi, the tasks the gods have set them, which mainly involve the Reductio ad Subjugatum of those not blessed by the gods, whose sorry and inferior ranks include, as it so happens, almost everybody. For that reason Soporifix, the god of mass anesthesia, gave us the twin blessings of the Televisium and the Media Subserviens.

Great success has therefore been achieved in thrusting the Pax Neworldorderus on the plebs of all nations and those who have survived can now enjoy the stability and prosperity which that Pax guarantees, with artificial limbs and antidepressants for all – except, of course, those who are still being shot at, those who are afraid of being shot at, those being shot at by people being shot at or people afraid they might be shot at, the dead, the poor, the plebs, the middle classes and the millions of slaves that are necessary for the existence of any great, enlightened civilization.

This culmination of decades of coordinated hard work by Imperial Agencies such as the Drugus Addictus, the Media Hysteria, the Dubius Economix and the high priests of the Emperor’s beloved Temple of Psychobabbylon, has established an Empire every bit as worthy as Caligula’s Rome, except with drugs.

Plans are afoot to consolidate these gains and to carry these to fruition I will be relying heavily, as I have been instructed, upon some of the nation’s most influential agencies.

Among these are the aforementioned Pharmacopeia and its network of apothecaries and dispensaries (Britannia branch) under the aegis of general manager Oblivius Senslus, the renowned inventor of child doping. Mr. Senslus announced recently plans to triple the profits of the Temple of Pharmacopeia and extend its membership to include everybody in the province from birth. As you know the Pharmacopeia’s role in furthering the imperial idyll of a land basking in the golden silence and inactivity of the graveyard has been heroic.

The Pharmacopeia’s sister organization, the Hoaxacopeia, a branch of the Temple Psychobabbylon of the goddess Dementia, is also making similar, coordinated strides forward. Her high priest, Devius Lunatix, recently announced publication of a mighty tome which is designed to assist the Pharmacopeia in carrying forward its mission of “Euphorium et Oblivium,” while raking in the sesterce. The Tome is entitled the DSM, the Diagnostix et Statistix Mendacicon, and lists over three million “agues of the psyche” which can only be cured by giving the sufferer large amounts of the pills and potions churned out by the Pharmacopeia, the so-called Serius Sideffex I mentioned earlier. For this service the Pharmacopeia has promised the Hoaxacopeia a “juicy slice of the profits.”

I’ve had a preview of this new holy book and it is something of an eye-opener I can tell you. It is written in terms so simple almost anyone can understand it, provided they have had twelve years of training at the Hoaxucopeia’s Academy of Ludicrus Fibs.

It is very clear from a quick glance through the holy book that the land is in the grip of a plague that afflicts the brain (known as “Chemicus Imbalens”) and which has already infected almost everybody, for scarcely a person in the land (apart from the priests of the Temple of Dementia apparently) does not have the symptoms of one or more of the “agues” listed in the book. Such agues include:

The Vapors,

The Fevers,

The Humors,

Depressium (Marked by a feeling of being fed up, suffered largely by followers of Televisium)

Optimisum

Possessium Demonix

Slavery Resistance Disorder

Infantium Irritatum (behaving childishly – mostly suffered by children)

Amphora

Abacus

Orgy Disorder (inability to enter into the spirit of things at public events such as orgies, crucifixions and stonings).

Sandalium Nervosum (wearing sandals)

Discus.

Fortunately for all of us the Pharmacopeia just happened to be on hand with the full panoply of its Serius Sideffex. Talk about a stroke of luck!

Even more fortunately, the priests of the Temple of Dementia have been working on more cutting-edge research and have developed a branch of necromancy known as Bunkum whereby the future mental health of children can be accurately divined by examining the brains of dead monkeys. With this new technology they have been able to accurately predict that all children will need to be sedated by the age of four (Docilis Infantium) and the esteemed Devius Lunatix has informed me that copius funds will have to be forthcoming from the Treasury so as to ensure mandatory treatment is available to them for life (Medicatium ad Delirium).

There are those who allege however that there is neither proof nor science behind any of the agues in the DSM, that Devius Lunatix and his henchmen made them up so as to persuade the masses to go “peacefully and without protest into the malleable state of Oblivium.”

To denounce this allegation, I can truthfully say that I asked the priests and mages of Dementia about it and they have all promised me, hand on heart, their publication is most definitely based on truth and science and that they will let me have their research notes just as soon as they de-kludge the office and find them.

Well, that’s good enough for me. I am but a layman in matters of the psyche after all and must trust the wise heads the emperor has ordered me to trust. Funds will therefore be made available for the mental hygiene of the province.

The program is already underway and producing miraculous improvements in the mental health of the Britons, according to the provincial agency Disingenuus Statistix and as attested by a dramatic increase in the number of people taking their medication and a decline in the consumption of more expensive, illegal drugs.

Which brings me to another matter of concern: the heretical new creeds that are sweeping the province and stirring people up into refusing to drug their children and heaping sarcasm upon every utterance of the Media Hysteria.

Such dangerous creeds as the Nutritium and Dianetix are everywhere and a tad too popular for the Emperor’s liking. They threaten to disrupt entirely the Imperial programs so favored by the Emperor and his Illuminati, some of which I have alluded to here and which collectively are known by the epithet “Slumbrus Acquiesens.”

We can’t have people just running around destabilizing the status quo by irresponsibly tossing new ideas about willy-nilly, even if they do make sense - and especially ones that undermine the Pharmacopeia and Hoaxacopeia in their efforts to make money for the Temple of Dementia, of which the Emperor himself and his chums are, as you know – or at least suspected - the primary shareholders. I ask the people therefore not to listen to scientific arguments or believe everything they see with their own eyes, nor to rely on their own common sense or good judgment if they can possibly avoid it, for such behavior, being listed in the DSM under “Ipso Facto” (a tendency to base one’s conclusions on facts) will surely get them into trouble, if you get my drift………

The leaders of these new cults, such as the infamous Doous Afava and the annoying Sensibal Dietts will soon be brought to book and rebuked for their troublemaking ways, probably by being nailed to the tree that stands in the main square of the Forum.

We have in this country as you know a fine tradition of free speech and that right should not be misconstrued by some venal twist of logic to imply freedom of action. People can speak all they like, provided they do so quietly and do not assume they have a right to do things, such as publishing books or addressing audiences.

While we are on that subject, let me lay to rest the unfairly accurate criticisms leveled by the aforementioned Sensibal Dietts at the Hoaxucopeia’s Chemicus Imbalens theory. The validity of said theory has been proven time and again by a string of advertisements in the Media Hysteria and, besides, it was developed by hours of research at the exalted Academy of Ludicrus Fibs which, being a very impressive building with lots of books in it, is not really to be questioned by anyone with an eye on his political career.

Undeterred by the overwhelming weight of public relations in favour of the Chemicus Imbalens theory, Mr. Sensibal persists with his perpetual and vociferous carping and moaning and tiresome cries of “where’s the evidence?”

Evidence, quite obviously, has nothing to do with it but Mr. Sensibal has insisted on pointing out, quite seditiously, that an examination of the brains of corpses during recent “studies” at his renegade Academy at Betta Thanpils, revealed that the brains of an inordinate number of residents of the Province are contaminated by high doses of poisons such as lead, mercury, cadmium, strontium and wine – not to mention drugs – and quite often glow in the dark.

“It is hardly surprising,” he has stated, hysterically, “that people’s brains have chemical imbalances when we keep shoving dangerous chemicals into them that don’t belong there. And given that they have been poisoned, forced into slavery, taxed, fed an endless diet of bad news by the Media Hysteria and told they are bonkers by the Hoaxacopeia, it is hardly a source of wonder that they do not on occasion feel all that chirpy. This is no reason to poison them with even more chemicals, even when said poisons are addictive and guarantee the Pharmacopeia tons of repeat business.”

The Hoaxacopeia’s rebuke has been swift and decisive. A spokes-priest for the Temple of Dementia, Devius Bonkus said: “Sensibal Dietts’ Temple at Betta Thanpils is rubbish. He is not accredited by the Temple of Dementia and his eyes are too close together so if I were him I’d learn to shut up.”

He then went on to warn that traditional ritual of Smearem Discreditem, which tends to be quite effective in subduing populist troublemakers, particularly when the danger arises that people might start paying them some attention, is “coming Mr. Sensibal’s way in the very near future. Let’s hope he takes the hint.”

Well, I think that lays Mr. Sensibal to rest once and for all. So let us move on briefly to the matter of education.

______________________________

See part three for the final part of this address.


Back to Part One

Stephen Cook is a professional copywriter